The Politics of Tease and Denial 10 Comments
Tease and denial is a form of submission even non-masochistic men can understand. It’s a sensual form of domination: the playfully wicked pricktease vs. her hopelessly devoted toy/wanker.
At its core orgasm control and denial is about men submitting to the control a woman has over their pleasure and orgasm, letting her have her way with him even when it means she might deny him his way. It’s radical for questioning the idea that foreplay is for women (since as we all know, men aren’t interested in foreplay or being on the receiving end of a pleasurably teasing touch) and that the male orgasm is the natural culmination of sex.
Many submissive men sometimes get off on the idea that their teaser finds male orgasms messy and disgusting and sex with them a hassle. They eroticize the idea of female disinterest in their cock. It’s a form of erotic humiliation that some thrive on and it can be fun but in reality it’s not my style.
After the great feminist blowjob debate of 2006 it’s worthwhile to remember the immense amount of power and control a woman has over her partner’s orgasm… the ability to speed it up, slow it down, hold it off, make them beg, or deny it completely. It’s a rush and yes, you can feel that power on your knees with your hair held in a fist. The choice to cover your teeth or let him feel them and be reminded you have claws…
Men have a right not just to the pleasure of taking but the pleasure of surrender - perhaps the last great male taboo. Too many women still look down on their man if he shows such a sign of “weakness” as submission to her power and strength, even for a night. Too many women fear themselves, and being able to ask for - no, demand - what they really want. It’s easy to hesitate. Dominating is hard work and requires self-knowledge and self-control any student of the occult would envy.
It’s more about the tease, the art of the coquette, the temptress, the tester, than the denial. It’s very much about the possibilty of denial in its most basic form, the removal of pleasure… part of the dance of love, part of the art of increasing wanting, taking away your interest, your touch, your company.
I love directness and boldness and honesty but there’s no sense in being artless when it comes to the oldest arts of all.
There’s nothing wrong with making him beg for it. In this age of cheap and easy instant gratification pleasure delayed is all the more precious. We’ve been told for too long now just to cut to the chase, only to find out that maybe all he really wants is to be seduced “our” way. (I say this knowing full well that for huge swaths of women, “our” way is to cut straight to the chase. I’m a big fan of the “Wham Bam, Thank You Sir” approach myself at times.)
Chicks don’t get a monopoly on the either foreplay or the oh-so-willing victim role. Sensual touch just plain feels good and there’s something incredible in giving another person complete control over your orgasm. It makes the eventual - okay, possible - release that much more potent.
To a smartass tease, the game of stroke-and-release has a lot of potential for mindfucking. Modern culture assumes the male orgasm. It’s almost a right in any given sexual encounter: the man will come.
In tease and denial that assumption is blown out the window. He gets what she chooses to dish out. If he comes without her permission, she might subject him to punishment. (Of course sometimes the punishment’s half the fun, right?) I kinda like the implications this has for premature ejaculators. Ladies, we have our retraining program and the men are already lining up.
Tease and denial is a very feminist femdom slant on male/female equality and parity. Standard fare “male” sex isn’t the one true way - for either men or women. Not all guys want it fast and hard and now now now. And not all girls feel like giving it to them that way, anyway.
Some of us would rather see them beg.
To me, feminism means equal opportunity gender roles. I can play sugar mamma and he can stay home with the kids. I can wear high heels and lipstick and try to coax him into eyeliner between bouts of hardware swapping and stick fighting. I can ride him hard and fast, use him for my selfish pleasure, and he can surrender to a sweetly langorous sensual touch that may or may not end in anything at all. You choose which traits to reject or claim, whether they were labeled pink or blue.
Of course that’s tease and denial from a female dominant/male submissive perspective. There are other flavors. I think the gender role flip is most pronounced with femdom/malesub, though.